I'm A Mess
by Fangfan1
Summary: LxLight. It's been 5 years since L's death, and the past is finally catching up to Light Yagami. What was it that he missed so much, and what was tearing him apart now?


**Hey it's me back with a DeathNote one shot. Hurrah for LxLight! My favorite pairing ever! Anyhow I know I should be finishing my other stories but this came to me when I was listening to this song, and had it planned out for a while. It's my first ever song fic so I hope I did well. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own DeathNote (otherwise there'd be LxLight) or the song ****Pieces****by RED. **

_Italics= Song lyrics_

_I'm here again_

_A thousand miles away from you,_

_A broken mess_

Five years. One thousand eight hundred and twenty-six days, to today's date. It had been five exact, whole years since _he _died. Five years of no interruption, no one getting in the way, came for Kira. Kira had risen but that wasn't enough. Kira wanted more, he wanted something more to fill the emptiness he felt. Something was missing. Or was it, someone?

_L._

The worst letter of the entire alphabet. The absolute worst name for any human being. It just wasn't natural; _he _wasn't natural. Not to Light anyway.

Light was Kira.

Kira had won, and L had lost. He'd fallen just like all those before Kira. Anyone who threatened Lord Kira _would _fall. Kira had proven that by defeating the _L_ and discarding him. That was how the game worked. Pieces were used, taken away and manipulated until they had finally fallen.

The game of agony.

_Just scattered pieces,_

_Of who I am_

Light was missing something. That was for sure. It was as if his life had a blind side to it, and this blind side was slowly pulling him apart. Without even him, realizing it. The twenty-three year old blinked wearily as he looked into the old empty room. He hadn't been in this familiar room since that day five years ago. That day his life changed forever.

The day Kira tore a piece of Light away.

_I tried so hard_

_Thought I could do this on my own,_

_I've lost so much along the way_

Light felt around for the old light switch, before gazing into his old work room. The old taskforce headquarters. The last place _he _was.

For a moment Light felt his heart jump into his throat, catching his breath. Memories erupted into his, overwhelming mind. Light's hand squeezed his chest to stop the flood of pain. He couldn't even remember the last time he ached this bad. Why had this pain come to him? What was going on with him.

But he hadn't been alone before.

His father hadn't been dead. He hadn't been Kira at the time, and L, L had still been alive.

A lump formed in Light's throat, making swallowing the hardest movement. This time he couldn't swallow the pain, and guilt away. He couldn't swallow, as if that lump was still of piece of Light Yagami. A small piece that was still fighting Kira, to be found once again.

Kira wanted it gone.

Furiously Light wiped away any tears that threatened to leave out, and swallowed as best as he could. Kira would not be mistaken for a weakling, not now and not _ever. _He looked down at the scars that lined his wrists.

How did those scars get there again?

_Then I see your face_

_I know I'm finally yours_

_I find everything,_

_I thought I lost before_

The old scars brought a twinge of pain to Light's heart, and he realized the pain would never go away. No matter what he did to himself he would always be reminded of his pain, and he could never escape the past. Someone like Light, or Kira, should have figured that out.

Light stared at the empty chair that used to belong to L. It was the chair, that the pale, raven haired, freak-of-nature, _genius_ used to sit in. The same chair that he had fallen out of, and into Light's arms as he…died.

He hadn't even felt his legs moving, until his shins hit the edge of L's chair. Light could almost see L's slouched form sitting in the chair, gazing intently from one monitor to another, as he did before in the past. Light's heart began to throb at the though, as if someone was squeezing it with an icy cold hand.

**"We'll catch Kira, I promise. Then everyone will worship L instead." **Light could hear his own voice speaking aloud. The promised seemed so innocent at that time in the past; it wasn't even a lie back then. Light had meant it back then. But now, now that promise was broken. Nothing but a filthy, shattered lie. The lump in Light's throat returned, and this time Light couldn't even breathe.

Slowly salty, wet tears slid down his face as he saw L's laughing face then.

**"No one will worship L, Light-Kun. It's unnecessary." **His laughter rang and echoed in Light's ears, only causing the lump in his throat to increase. Make the pain stop, just make it go away. Please…

L's laugh was like a melody. It was a melody of a child, filled with so much innocence, but there was also a melody of one who was not about to sleep or give up on the sense of justice. It was child-like, and yet stronger than anyone else Light knew. It was a melody, Light replayed over and over.

But _why_? It was only a laugh after all.

No. It was also a piece of L.

_You call my name_

_I come to you in pieces_

Light squeezed his eyes shut tight. Make the pain stop! Make it all just go away! Kira doesn't feel pain, Kira doesn't need anything or _anyone._

What Light didn't know was he _needed _that laugh, and that voice. He _needed _to hear L's voice once again.

_So you can make,_

_Me whole._

_I come undone_

_But you make sense of who I am_

_Like puzzle pieces in your hand,_

Light's hands were shaking by then, as he reached into his coat pocket. His heart thudded with ironic pain when he pulled out the DeathNote from that pocket.

The very DeathNote his father died protecting. And also the very same weapon used to give L that heart attack, five years ago.

Ironic. L died of a heart attack and here was Light feeling a new, overwhelming pain in his own heart.

**"Rather I would hope he isn't Kira, because…Light-Kun is my first real friend." **

Light clenched his jaw at _his_ voice. He almost choked on his words, turning his head towards L's chair.

"Yeah L, well you weren't my friend at all. You're _not _my friend." He spat, only to blink in realization. L was dead. He was talking to no one. His amber eyes that had once been filled with light and life were now dull and weary. He stared at the empty chair.

He didn't know if it was the anger, the pain, or that fact that he had finally cracked, but something made him throw the black notebook across the room. He hurled the notebook, with blurred vision and pain in his chest.

"Dammit Ryusaki! Why can't you just go away?" He yelled out loud.

To nothing.

The room was still completely empty, as it was when he had entered the room. There was nothing and no one in the room, but Light.

**"**Can't you accept the fact that I won! You lost Ryusaki, and Kira won!"

Why did it ache so much?

_When I see your face_

_I know I'm finally yours_

_I find everything,_

_I thought I lost before_

A noise. Light raised his head up, turning around. His amber every darted across the empty room, just searching. They were searching for anything now.

Or anyone.

"I know I heard something." He whispered, his voice barely above a whisper. There really wasn't any need to raise his voice anymore.

Light swallowed thickly, suppressing a sigh. He turned around, to head out the door only to jump back. His dull eyes widened even more and his body trembled. The old aching feeling in his heart returned once again, as if it was a signal. For the first time in years, Kira stood utterly terrified at the sight before, looking nothing at all, like a God.

For he was standing face to face with…L.

Light gaped, eyes widening ever so slightly at the old friend. L had actually been Light's friend, no matter how much he denied it. He had honestly thought of L as a _real _friend.

L was Kira's enemy though.

L looked the same as always. Slouched back, making him appear shorter than Light. Long white sleeves covered his pale, slender arms. Dark baggy jeans. Just like his appearance in the past.

"This isn't possible! You're not real! You're _dead!_" Light screamed this time, tears springing in his eyes. A lump of guilt and sorrow closed Light's throat once more. L said nothing.

"Why are you here?" Light croaked hoarsely. Still, L remained silent, saying absolutely nothing to his murderer. Light narrowed his eyes coldly, wet tears racing down his face. The raven haired man's eyes softened slightly.

"Why won't you say anything? Dammit! Fight back, say something! Haunt me! I killed you! Say something! Anything." Light sobbed, falling to the floor. L moved a step closer to Light, a soft smile played on his pale lips.

It was a gentle smile. Not a mischievous or satisfied smile at all. Just a gentle smile, for comfort. Just for Light.

_I tried so hard!_

_So hard!_

_I tried so hard!_

The scars on Light's wrists throbbed in rhythm with his heart at the sight of L's smile. How can L give him such a comforting smile? After all he's done, why did L still smile for Light?

L was so gentle.

His pale fingers brushed over the scars, a razor had made once over and over, before looking at Light. His smiled faltered just a bit, so now the smile didn't fully reach his eyes anymore. Light choked at the sight then; at the fact that he was the reason L was upset now. _He_ was causing _L _pain, even when L was dead. L brushed his pale fingers over Light's face.

Still Light's tears went right through L. Just as they always had.

Kira was furious.

His enemy was right in front of him, back again and he didn't have anything menacing to say. Why could he say something? _Anything! _Kira wasn't a crying, weak fool.

Kira was a god! Light was falling to pieces.

Light looked over at the DeathNote on the floor, lying open to the one page he didn't want to see again.

L Lawliet.

_Then I see,_

_Your face_

L's own ghostly, onyx eyes followed Light's, and his eyes softened even more upon the DeathNote. But there was never any anger on L's face, none at all. Not even regret or remorse. _Why?_

_I know_

_I'm finally yours_

Slowly, Light felt his tears of regret, dry off his cold and numb face. L sat next to Light the entire time, watching the younger male, with that same gentle smile as before. The aching went away in Light's chest, as he sat with L, and he could swallow again.

L was the answer.

Light glanced back at the open notebook with blurred vision before turning to face L. Once again his heart leapt into his throat, out of fear and panic.

L was gone.

_Again…_

"L," He choked, as his body began to shake. Slowly, Light crawled over towards his DeathNote. Crawling, like a blind man begging for mercy. How pitiful, for Kira to be brought down to _crawling._

With cold, shaking fingers Light took out his pen, and began to write on the page next to L's name. He wrote down eleven letters and that was it. Just eleven simple letters.

_L.I.G.H.T. Y.A.G.A.M.I._

_I find everything,_

_I thought I lost before_

Forty seconds. Who would have ever guessed after five whole years, it would take forty seconds to kill Kira. By how own hands. Light leaned back against the wall, counting down every last second. As the tears rolled down his cheeks, he smiled.

A small smile. Only the corners of his lips twitched upward. But it was still a smile.

Light didn't regret being Kira at all. Not one bit. If it wasn't for Kira he would have never met L. He only regretted one thing, and only one thing. He regretted the fact that he couldn't stop himself from becoming the monster that was Kira, not even with help.

Kira hadn't destroyed all the pieced of Light

_You call my name_

_I come to you in pieces,_

Light closed his eyes cringing in pain, when his heart gave one final squeeze, before stopping forever. Light kept his eyes closed even as he felt himself shift.

It was all over.

"Welcome to Mu, Light-Kun."

Light's throat closed once again at that voice. The voice he had missed so much; the voice he had _needed _to hear. This time the voice wasn't in his head, it was real. Blinking rapidly, Light opened his eyes to stare at L before him. Tears pricked in the corners of Light's eyes when he caught sight of L smiling down at him.

Why does he still smile?

Slowly the former detective held out his hand.

_So you can make,_

_Me whole_

Shaking, Light took the pale hand, and stood to his feet. L's dark eyes seemed to dance with emotions that Light had never seen before. All for Light. For endless minutes neither boys said or did anything. That is until Light felt himself being pulled into a kiss. L's lips were soft against Light's, and he felt himself melt into Light. Gently he closed his eyes, kissing L back, and leaning into the older man.

L was so gentle.

Light didn't need Kira anymore. He just needed the man he loved.

And maybe Lawliet could be the angel that was his love. Maybe L Lawliet could show him everything he couldn't see before.

The pieces of Light Yagami that were finally whole again.

_So you can make,_

_Me whole._

**Well how was it? Was it any good? I hope the characters weren't too OOC at all for anyone, it is LxLight so they'll be a little different. Send me a review of any kind telling me how it was, so I can continue to write and improve for future fics. Thanks. Until next time, I'm out.**


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